This is part of The Broke And the Bookish’s “Top Ten Tuesdays” meme.
Confession time: I’ve never met any authors. It’s a sorry state of affairs over here at Ruby’s. Part of me wishes that I could meet all of my favorite authors, but the fact that I haven’t met any of them might be a good thing. Why?
Because I’d die.
Or, at the very least, make a stuttering fool of myself. I’m sure that in their minds, these authors are just normal people. But to me, they are gods. Gods. Or, at the very least, higher beings that have been personally blessed by Calliope & Co. Their works have shaped my life in ways that they can’t possibly imagine. They’ve unwittingly formed friendships, offered companionship and solace, and shaped my character. What can you say to someone who’s done all that?
Well, I’d probably say something like this:
- Eoin Colfer: “Oh, my god, do you know how much you’ve impacted me?? Your books made me want to write. They’re funny and action-packed and creative and snarky and I wore the Artemis Fowl series to shreds. Shreds, I tell you. And it was while reading your books that I thought, ‘You know, I bet if I practiced enough, I could write something this good, too.’ AND I DID. I practiced and practiced and now I’m writing whole novels and because you made me feel like I could do it.”
- JK Rowling: “I—you—you’re—Hog—” (and then fall into a dead faint. There is no way that words can explain what Harry Potter means to me.)
- Sue Limb: “Jess Jordan is everything to me. I was in this awful phase where books just weren’t interesting anymore and then I read Girl, 15, Charming But Insane and it was like…comedy over romance?? Weird, over-the-top humor?? YOU MADE READING FUN AGAIN. I basically owe you my life/firstborn child.”
- Louise Rennison: “Y’know, I use your books as a litmus test to gauge how bad my depression is. If they don’t make me laugh, it’s time to go back into therapy. On another note, can you teach me the Ace Gang dances? Because I’ve never really known what to do for the ‘HOOOOOORN’ bit and I feel like I’m making a sham of it.”
- Douglas Adams: “AAAAAAAH ZOMBIE WRITER” (But if he was alive, I’d blather on about how his use of language absolutely blows my mind. “The ship hung in the sky much in the way that bricks don’t.” Genius. Pure, sweet genius.)
- Neil Gaiman: “I want all the hours of sleep Coraline took from me back. I read that book like TEN YEARS AGO and the Other Mother still freaks me out.”
- Dave Barry: “You. You brilliant man. You weird, brilliant, wonderful genius. I hope you carry those two Pulitzers with you everywhere, you beautiful bastard, because you earned them. You were the first comedian I ever read and without you, I might never have known that stupid-slash-ingenious comedy for its own sake was a thing.”
- Stephen Pastis: “…Are you okay? No, really, man. Are you okay? Because your books are hilarious, but they’re also tinged with such delicate yet pervasive sadness that I can’t help but wonder if you’re doing okay. Are you sure? Can I get you anything, like some tissues or…no? Okay, then. Love your work. Timmy Failure is the bomb.”
- Rick Riordan: “Oh my god, you, everything, Percy Jackson, so diverse, so inclusive, so funny, how do you even—(grips his face)—tell me your secrets.”
- Noelle Stevenson: “Point me towards the Twitter trolls and I’ll end them for you. It’s the least I can do after you gave the world ‘The Broship of the Rings’ and Nimona and The Lumberjanes. No, seriously, I’ve got my sword right here. You like vigilante justice, right? Of course you do. Let’s go.”
See? See? I shouldn’t be allowed within a hundred yards of these people.
Have you ever met any authors? Were you more articulate than me? If you were…what’s your secret?